Me... heading towards 20 years service at a hell of a rate...
As a probationary officer in the days before internal cell sanitation, my duties included a number of hours standing in the (Arch) or toilet area, supervising the prisoner shower periods. A thick skin and a poor sense of smell were the only basic requirements.
Many stories of dodgy dealings and hardships were told, also many tricks were played on officers and cons alike, down there in the gloom.
One day two guys were showering and an argument was brewing, "what's the problem"says I. "It's him sir, he's just a dafty, he says there's no such thing as a one man band, sure there is, Sir, isn't there? says one of the lads.
"Of course there is"I replied "and if you two don't get your act together and stay out of prison, it will be the only job open to you. "Well ! if your right, how does he play the cymbals? says the other one. "He must have strings attached to his arms, and when he flaps them up and down like this ( I demonstrate) the cymbals clash together" says I.
"Aye mabye so ! but how does he play the big drum, he asked. "Ah ! I reply, well that's easy, he's got a string attached to his shoe and when he stamps his foot (I demonstrate again) the drum stick beats the drum".
"What about the mouth organ ? he canny play that at the same time as well, can he? he said. Getting right into the conversation now, I demonstrate, "Yeah! he has a small framework which holds the mouth organ in front of his face, and as he strums the guitar, he stamps his feet, flaps his arms and blows into the mouth-organ, (I demonstrate all four)..........
Roars of laughter and loud chicken noises came from the shower........ and still to this day when those to characters come into jail... the chicken noises echo round the walls......
Billy Wan Shoe
'Wan Shoe' (One Shoe).... Many officers in the prison service like a wee drink of an evening and our Billy was no exception to the rule. He favoured a strong tonic wine and prior to a night on the town Billy would consume a good liver full in his flat before ordering his chariot for the evening, (Glasgow cab). One evening, realising he was running a bit late, Billy phoned the taxi office, "Ah need a taxi to Pollock, big man" says he, "Nae bother pal" came the reply. "10 meenits though". "Av got a dug, dae you take dugs ? he enquired. "Aye that's alright, says the man, whit's the name? ......
"Blackie" says our Billy
